Epiphany
by I Love 'raco Maloy
Summary: When you do something small, even one simple decision, a change of mind even, can change the whole course of your life forever no matter how small it is. It was that same night that I made my decision.


_Story inspired by the music in the song 'colorblind' by counting crows. Found in the cruel intentions soundtrack. The lyrics dont make sense but the music is beautiful.

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Love can do some pretty crazy things to you. _

It's like this whole other level that has you simply floating; even if part of you knows that this love, the one that you hold right now in your warm hands is bad for you. You know it shouldn't be. You know its wrong and dangerous to love the way you do, to care; but you can't help it. You're powerless to stop it.

You often sit there at times alone, thinking about everything; about how you got to this point, about how you can feel so deeply for someone so forbidden. And it comes around again…you know it shouldn't be. Love is a force that drives us to great heights. Once you reach that one point; no one can bring you back, no one can touch you. Nothing ever registers anymore, you simply block out everything that is going on around you…you are by yourself with this person and nothing else matters as long as he is by your side.

I guess I had my epiphany the night he told me he loved me. That's when it all came down on me. I realised something that was growing so powerful over time, finally was said and in that single moment…that _one _moment, I saw everything so clearly, it changed me.

We never really used to talk much; at the start, he was always rude and selfish. Mostly if there were any exchange of words it was usually an argument. But to me, he was always the most beautiful thing I had ever seen; and I felt inadequate standing next to him. He looked as if he should be a model of sorts and I looked ordinary…just plain and boring. I always felt he was out of my league.

He was captivating, there was something about him; the way he spoke, the way he moved, the way he smiled and especially the way his eyes sparkled in the light. His eyes. They held so much emotion I never thought possible. You know when they say that eyes are the windows to the soul? Well, in this case it defiantly was just that. Some people were so good at talking with their eyes, and he could do that so very well. He didn't have to say anything…his eyes said it all.

Everything that was needed to be said was done so without words. Small gestures also; apart form his eyes, it was is small non-verbal gestures. It really is amazing at how something so small can say so much.

He slowly began to change as we spent more time together; it was necessary due to our current positions. He stopped calling me names; but he always kept his strong views and perceptions that sometimes drove me mad. We didn't always get along of course, we were so different in so many ways. I was light and he was dark.

The first time we kissed was in the shadows of a empty corridor. I still recall it; it was dark and we had been doing our duties, walking in silence.

I can still feel the tingle in my lips as he broke away from me, panting lightly; his face still so close to mine as I gasped for breath, and his hands entangled in my hair.

In that kiss I knew this was wrong, I knew that it was dangerous and doomed from the beginning.

From there on things became different. I couldn't understand for the life of me what was going on and it seemed that he was just as confused. I bearly spoke to him at all after that, even during duties I tried to avoid as much as possible.

My heart ached though; every time I even looked at him my heart would beat faster. I would just sit and think most of the time, trying to comprehend what my heart was telling me and I couldn't get any understanding. Nearly two months had passed by then. We went back to normal, as if nothing ever even happened. We fought more often and the spark in his eyes when he would yell in frustration scared me. He had a lot of pent up emotion and you could see it ready to fall over the edge.

I remember one night walking down the stairs one night to see him sitting by the fire. He looked shaken; moving closer, I noticed he was in fact crying. For what at the time I didn't know, but later I would find out it was because his father had just been sent to prison for killing his mother.

He just sat there, not looking away from the fire. And It was in that moment that I realised I never wanted to hurt him, to see him break. When I saw him shaking I just wanted to reach out and hold him to me tight, to tell him everything would be ok.

When you do something small, even one simple decision, a change of mind even, can change the whole course of your life forever; no matter how small it is.

It was that same night that I made my decision. I vividly recall walking to his bed watching him sleep for a moment. He was so peaceful as if nothing in the world was bothering him. Only in sleep can you hide from your demons.

I had pulled back the covers and slipped in next to him. I saw him open his eyes slightly; I turned around, my back to him and he wrapped an arm tightly around me. His body heat was scorching and I snuggled closer to him trying to get as close as possible.

I felt so protected as if nothing could ever hurt me…as if _he _would never let something hurt me. Things from then on changed dramatically.

We didn't kiss again for a while, just sat with each other. Sometimes not even talking, but when we did it was often about our views on life, about our parents, our childhoods and what we as people wanted to become. I slept in his bed every night from the first time I did. Our relationship at that point was nothing more than being close without being intimate. At night he would just hold me tight and talk about everything. He would tell me how his life was all set out for him and he could not escape it. He told me that after school, he would have to become something he did not want.

The second time he kissed me, we were in the common room sitting on the floor. I was leaning my head against his shoulder; he bent down and kissed the top of my head.

He made me feel things I never thought possible. I had never experienced something so wonderful in my life. These feelings coursing through my veins…there is really nothing in the world that can actually describe it. Only someone who has been through such a thing is able to understand at least a little bit.

He had slid his hand over mine and intertwined our fingers together; bringing them to his lips, he kissed each of my fingers softly. I looked in his eyes, those eyes that said so much and once again did not fail me. They said everything he wanted to…I knew in right then that he truly cared for me as I for him.

The kiss had started out differently as it had the first time. Soft and careful it was, his lips burning mine. I wanted nothing more than to get as close to him as I possibly could. I ran my hands through his hair and pulled him in deeper. His kisses were filled with so much. I remember a tear had slid down my cheek then because I knew once school finished this could never be; I knew that what we had would just be lost forever in a sea of forbidden loves. He knew it too; he pulled back and ran his finger across my cheek, wiping the tear away. All he had whispered to me then was "I know," it was then I broke down. I cried into his chest as he held me to him. I couldn't stop.

It was the end of school now. This was it, I was never going to see him ever again. I felt physically ill at the thought. In the months leading up to the end, we became closer; although never actually becoming intimate with each other, we were literally inseparable. He would kiss me any chance he could get and was always at my side. Of course we could never actually show our feelings outside of the dorm because if it traced back to his father, he would have him killed and myself as he had mentioned so many times before. He was scared and often told me he wouldn't be able to live with himself if I got hurt.

The night before the next days departure will forever stay with me.

We had made love for the first time and it was something I will never forget. I still remember every kiss, every touch, every single moment through out it all. I held him as close to me as possible as if afraid he would disappear from my hands if I let go. At that moment I didn't want to think about the next day. All I thought was about was all that was happening at that moment.

He never let go of me either as he moved above me. His movements were gentle at first, gradually becoming stronger. He whispered how much he cared for me and how beautiful he thought I was; although I never felt beautiful, I had to resist the urge to say that I wasn't.

When it was over and our bodies were struggling for breath, our heart beats able to be felt by the other; he leaned down kissing me once again. It was then that he whispered the words that will never leave me…even if someone tried to erase them from my memory they would never disappear; it was then he told me he loved me. A tear slid down my cheek as I traced my hands up his back; I whispered the words back.

The dooming words. We had said them even though we knew this was the end and it was over for good.

The next day had been so painful I have almost blocked it all out. I had gotten off the train to be greeted by my family with arms open. I struggled to smile as I reached my mother and held her to me tight. I began to cry; of course they thought it was because I was happy to be home. But in reality I didn't want to be home, I wanted to be in the night before.

I cried myself to sleep to that night. The rain pouring down my widow. It's funny how the weather can show exactly what kind of mood you are in and how you feel...your world falling apart.

From there on it was horrible to say the least. I hardly ever wanted to go out and I never really smiled much. My parents where worried; they tried everything. Even people who I always was close with never managed to cheer me up. During the day I was simply a hollow shell; During the night was it then that I showed emotion; I would sit on my bed, staring out my window and replay my memories one by one over in my head until I broke down. It wasn't healthy, I knew it, but I refused to let go.

My mother had heard me crying one night, she came in and held me as I wept. It was like she knew already, knew everything. She had caressed my back and pulled my hair away from my face "Time heals all wounds, darling…for some it is harder than others and some minutes are harder...but time passes and heals everything" all I could manage out was "It hurts,". My voice was cracking horribly because of the tears.

Months past and I was finally trying getting my life on track. But I came to realise that he will forever be apart of me, in everything I do. I often thought about him as time went by and wondered if he ever thought of me. He changed me, he taught me things…he taught me how to care for a person romantically, he brought meaning to my life and gave me something so precious…the gift of love. They say that you are lucky to love once. Years past and It felt as though he had left a whole in me that was never going to be filled.

And as I layed on the grass outside my house one night, looking up at the sky, I realised, one will never fill the whole that was Draco Malfoy.


End file.
